Advantages of Being Fat

It wasn't that long ago when I was in decent shape. I mean, I never had a six-pack or anything, but my body was okay. In terms of The Ladies Department, I'm not sure if there really is any corollation between one's physical appearance and his/her ability to attract the opposite sex (or the same sex; whatever floats your boat around your moat).

Hold up. I take that back. It probably helps to be in good shape when attempting to attract a mate. For me, I'm currently out of commission. Not that I don't like females or anything; I just don't think that it's my time to have something like that. For now.

But even if I wanted to have the affection of a sweet lady, I highly doubt that my physique would help me. I have straight teeth, though. That's always key. But as for the rest of me ... as my mom would say "No way, Jose." I'm not quite sure if my mom ever really knew anyone named Jose, but she sure liked saying that phrase. Maybe she had a crush on someone named Jose when she was young. I shall investigate this during Christmas.

Anyway...So I guess, the inability to easily capture the attention of a woman would be one disadvantage of being massive. Among many. But we all know them. So there's no point in listing.

But are there advantages of being fat? Yes, sir!

I've been a fatty since, oh... I dunno, let's just say a couple of years. And I enjoy a couple of perks of being porky.

Porky Perks

Automatic Shotgun - I usually get shotgun in a car no matter what. It's a pretty good life. Whether I'm driving or not, I'm in the front row of any car. Unless I'm with people who don't know the Auto Shotgun Rule, aka The Fattest Gets Shotgun Rule. When that happens, the backseat can be a mess. And when I say mess, I'm talking about my leg on your leg and/or my arm around you.

Warmth - This is only an advantage during certain seasons, for obvious reasons (accidental rhyme, now that should be treason). The amount of blubber I have is greater than most of the people around me. Thus, I can withstand the cold weather. I'm basically a land whale. The other night, I walked to Whole Foods in a t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip-flops. The temperature was about 35 degrees and it was snowing. Land whale status. Know about it. Cuz I'm all about it.

Humor - I'm considered by a few people to be funny, that I have a good sense of humor. But I'm fat. So it's easy for me to joke about my weight. When I have no material at hand and I want to be funny, I usually crack about my largeness. It's a staple of my comedy, if you will. And no, I will not get my stomach stapled. But what if I lose weight? That could drastically change my perceived funny-ness. Would I be less funny as a thinner person? I like to make fun of myself. If I do lose weight, how would I be able to do that? "Hey, I'm in shape now. Yay." Nope, I should probably stay fat.

Eating Quickly - I'm built for speed, not quantity. I'm not Kobeyashi or anything (whose built for both); I can only probably eat 15 hotdogs in 12 minutes. But I can eat things really fast. Does it have anything to do with my weight? Maybe I'm stretching here, but perhaps it does. Below is a list of things I've attempted to eat as fast as possible, and with their respective times.

1. 6 White Castle cheeseburgers - 1 minute 1 second (I have footage)
2. 6 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 47 seconds (I've won several bets)
3. 10 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 1 minute 1 second (no witnesses)
4. Blazing Buffalo Challenge (no drink) - 1 minute 48 seconds
5. Corn beef omelette and fries - 1 minute 30 seconds
6. General Tso chicken & white rice - Less than 2 minutes

In the future, I will be attempting to eat the 10 Saltine crackers in under a minute without the aid of a beverage. This is because nobody believes I'm able to do this. The other night we had Saltine Crackers. I did 6 in 50 seconds. Everyone else was well past the 1 minute mark and they were only attempting like 3 or 4 Saltine crackers. Try it at home. I won a $50 bet in 2003 for eating 6 in under a minute. Apparently, only 1 in 10 people can do that. I've seen videos of 7 in under a minute. But I want to crush anyone out there and provide a video of me eating 10 Saltine crackers in under 1 minute.

But back to the advantages of being fat.

Oh wait, being fat sucks.