I Am the Biggest Loser

I just finished working out. I'm in a competition with three other dudes to see who can lose the most weight in six weeks (a la The Biggest Loser). The losers (Smallest Losers?) will pay the winner, err, Loser, $30 each. So I have a shot at winning (losing?) $90!

Yes, I know I have a chance of winning $90 or losing $30. The "(losing?)" was consistent with the word play I had been exhibiting in my introduction, silly.

Anyhoo, this past Sunday was the big Week 1 Weigh In. Week 1's leader had lost a staggering 2.5 pounds.

I lost half a pound.

0.5 lbs.

1/2 of 16 ounces (which is 8 for those of you who without an abacus).

So obviously I was not in the lead.

To make matters worse, the other competitors were under the impression that the winner would be the person who lost the most amount of weight.

Noobs.

The winner would totally be the person who lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the competition! Am I right, people?!

Noob 1: So it's whoever loses the most weight right?
Noob 2: Yeah. I think that's right.
Me: Nooo. It's the person who loses the highest perctange of his weight.
Noob 3: That will totally suck for you dude.
Me: Yes, I know I'm the heaviest. It's fine.

I could've kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to play by the rules.

I'm a loser, you say?

Yes. The Biggest Loser, thank you very much.