The Biggest Loser II

I apologize for not updating you guys with the original Biggest Loser competition. After a little controversy concerning how many times one weighs in on the final weigh-in, KillaCal and I were co-champions. Jimmy and Kelvin both gained weight during the 6-week competition. When KillaCal weighed in, he was a half-pound over what he needed to win. After he took off his hoodie and urinated, he got the extra 0.5 lbs. It was too close to call (percentage-wise), so we decided to split. We each won $30.

But technically, I won.

Anticlimactic, I know.

This past weekend, we weighed in once more. This time, it was for $50 from each loser; thus, a $300 grand prize. The competitors: Jones, Jimmy, Kelvin, KillCal. Evan “The Bear Man” Abuello has not yet weighed in.

Earlier today, Hank stopped by. I allowed him to weigh in. He is the lightest among the competitors. Before he stepped on the scale, he told me that he had been drinking water and eating all day. Then he took one more chug of his drink and proceeded to weigh himself.

209.0 lbs.

Two months ago he was 190ish. Nice job, Hank. You probably have the best shot at winning this.

Then Hank decided it was time for a #2. After what seemed to be 10-15 minutes in the bathroom, he emerged. Along with his look of relief came a smell that I can only describe as “fucking nasty as fuck.” He went to the scale once more.

204.5 lbs.

He had lost a staggering 4.5 lbs after pooping. Amazing. I had lost 5 lbs overnight, but this was extremely amazing. Obviously, the scale is not 100% accurate, but a 4.5 pound drop is still nothing to scoff at.

However, Hank was not done. Minutes after taking the 4.5-lb shit, Hank finally had to pee.

202.0 lbs.

He lost 7 lbs in less than an hour.

Granted, he was using some extreme measures to gain as much weight as possible. Thus, I’m probably going to have to modify some of the weigh-in rules if there’s a Biggest Loser III.

It’s safe to say that after losing 3.35% of his weight, Hank is currently TBLII’s leader.

An hour later, he called me to let me know that he took a 3-minute piss.

I Am the Biggest Loser

I just finished working out. I'm in a competition with three other dudes to see who can lose the most weight in six weeks (a la The Biggest Loser). The losers (Smallest Losers?) will pay the winner, err, Loser, $30 each. So I have a shot at winning (losing?) $90!

Yes, I know I have a chance of winning $90 or losing $30. The "(losing?)" was consistent with the word play I had been exhibiting in my introduction, silly.

Anyhoo, this past Sunday was the big Week 1 Weigh In. Week 1's leader had lost a staggering 2.5 pounds.

I lost half a pound.

0.5 lbs.

1/2 of 16 ounces (which is 8 for those of you who without an abacus).

So obviously I was not in the lead.

To make matters worse, the other competitors were under the impression that the winner would be the person who lost the most amount of weight.

Noobs.

The winner would totally be the person who lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the competition! Am I right, people?!

Noob 1: So it's whoever loses the most weight right?
Noob 2: Yeah. I think that's right.
Me: Nooo. It's the person who loses the highest perctange of his weight.
Noob 3: That will totally suck for you dude.
Me: Yes, I know I'm the heaviest. It's fine.

I could've kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to play by the rules.

I'm a loser, you say?

Yes. The Biggest Loser, thank you very much.