Jonesin' for some birthday cake

Today is Coy's 26th and Eric's 25th birthday. I think. As a Facebook addict, I've grown accustomed to birthday notifications. However, neither one of these guys has a Facebook account. So I have been forced to use this thing called memory, and if it's serving me correctly today, then it's their birthday.

Usually, when Facebook tells me it's someone's birthday, I write different variations of "happy birthday" on his/her wall. I try to make it completely different everytime, but I end up recycling a lot.

Here are a few of the birthday greetings I've used in the past:

Congratulations on the anniversary of your birth!

Nice birth.

Yay birthday! Yay!

Birth boy ova heeh.

And my personal favorite (a variation of the first one):

Congrulations on the anniversary of you coming out of your mother's vagina (or vajayjay)!

So I'd like to wish Eric and Coy a sweet birthday today. May all your wishes and dreams come true. And maybe I can help you with those. *winky wink*

I'm too broke to give you guys anything, so here's some effin' cake brought to you by my main man Chuck.


Hmm, I just realized that the last one may not work. Not all of us came out of our mother's vaginas. Some of us needed the jaws of life to be escorted out of the womb. I'm not one of them, just in case you were interested. Nope, came right out my mom's vajohnson.

Edit: Maybe I like this cake better. And no, I don't know why I just wasted my time looking for pictures of birthday cakes. But due to my nerdboy status, here ya go.

Accidental Asshole

Generally speaking, I'm not an asshole. Yes, I like to make jokes and poke fun at people every now and then - okay fine, I do it every chance I get. But I don't think I'm an asshole. I'm not a jerk or a rude son of a bitch.

However, this past Saturday, I was an asshole.

By accident.

It happened at my very first Boobanza. Apparently, a boobanza is an event filled with boobs of various sizes (according to the invitation), but really it's more or less just a party. I believe the name comes from the hybridization of the words boob and extravaganza.

Anyway, the location was a place called Sutra in the great city of New York. After only a few drinks, I decided to have a cigarette. So I went outside and walked toward the smoking area. I saw someone very familiar. I knew her younger sister a little bit better, but I decided to say hello.

Me: Oh hey, Miranda, how are you?
Miranda: Pretty good. Enjoying the party?
Me: Why yes, of course I am.
Miranda: It's really crowded in there.
Me: I know, tell me about it.
Miranda: Oh, this is my friend Rhonda.
Rhonda: Hi.
Me: Hey. [puffs cigarette] Yeah, I've seen you in photos before. [exhales smoke]
Rose: Okay?

Then I walked away. Like a complete asshole! But I wasn't being one on purpose. I was simply stating something that was a fact. Where had I seen her face before? On Facebook, obviously. I don't know why that was the first thing that came out of my mouth. "Nice to meet you" would've probably sufficed.

However, I don't think Rhonda or Miranda really cared all that much. But when I look back at the whole thing, I picture the delivery of my final line happening much slower. Similar to dramatic sequences in films that happen in super slow motion. Actually, only the smoking parts are in slow motion. Otherwise, I'd be talking with a voice lower than James Earl Jones.

But yeah, you get the picture. You've probably seen it in photos before.

Ass.