Present Jones Meets Past Jones

I day dream a lot.

The other day, I imagined myself time traveling and going back a couple years to visit...myself.

Present: Wassup, dude? Watcha doin' ... homework?
Past: Oh, what the heck?! Who are you?
Present: Dude, it's me. I mean you. In the future. I'm from 2007.
Past: You're huge! ... But I do see the resemblance.
Present: Resemblance? You're an idiot.
Past: Um...
Present: So yeah, don't get fat. Okay? Deal?
Past: This is crazy. How'd you even do that?
Present: Fuckin' McDonald's dude.
Past: No, I meant traveling through time.

[Let's skip over the whole time-space continuum thing]

Past: Why is your hair so long? It looks pretty fugly.
Present: Who the fuck says "fugly"? What is this, 1997?
Past: 1999, actually. Anyways, what else are you here to warn me about?
Present: 1999? Damn it! I was supposed to go to 1998. Well, I guess I'll let that one thing slide.
Past: What thing?
Present: Don't worry about it. So um, do me a favor and go to film school or something. We like making movies.
Past: Yeah of course. But I dunno. Mom says it's not "concrete."
Present: Stupid. Make more movies. It's fun. Remember "Bad Baldies"? That was awesome.
Past: Yeah I just did that last year.
Present: Oh, right.
Past: Anything else?
Present: Yeah, don't fall asleep while you're driving. Also, don't try to avoid cones while driving. You'll thank me later.
Past: You mean I'll thank ME later.
Present: Whatever. Just don't crash cars. And work out, fool. Look at me.
Past: Yeah, I definitely will start now. Is that it?
Present: Buy an Apple. They're awesome.
Past: Haha! You're crazy. Apple sucks! Windows 98 for life baby!
Present: Okay then, freak. This is me leaving.
Past: See ya later, alligator!
Present: Seriously?

Which brings me to this question: Where would you go if you can time travel to one specific moment in time? You can only visit, and you can't alter anything. You're basically just an observer.

For me, it's a pretty tough call if I had only one choice. I'd want to visit the time when dinosaurs ruled the world. I think it would be amazing to see them moving, feeding, and doing their thang. Plus it would be really to hear what they really sounded like, just to see if Jurassic Park was accurate.

But I'd also want to go way into the future. To see what kind of crazy things we eventually invent. Teleportation, cures for diseases, different sports, etc. But it would be crazy to know if we eventually find life in planets other than our own. I'd want to know if we make contact with other beings, and how that would turn out to be. Imagine a spacecraft that can travel at the speed of light or even faster. That would be pure awesomeness.

But here I am. Stuck in this time, on the brink of 2008 and wondering what it will have in store for me.

Maybe Future Jones pays me a visit ... in a hoverboard.

Target Practice

I don't normally take photos of stores. But today, I happened to stumble upon what my parents described as "a new big Target. Huge!" So I HAD to check it out. And I had to take pictures. And this particular Target did not disappoint.

Pictures courtesy of my iPhone (click for larger version):

Let's start with the outside. I think it looked fantastic. It was architecturally (architectually?) different from any Target I had been to before. I guess not all Targets are made equal. But if you look closely, you'll notice that even the stop sign looks awesome.



Sorry for the blurry shot. But check out the entrance/exit doors! I used to work at Target many years ago, and all the doors were smothered in red. Here, enter is green, and exit is red. Genius! BRILLIANT! And that massive target on the ground is a nice touch.



As soon as you enter, there's a Starbucks! I mean, I'm trying to cut down on my Starbucks intake (miss you, caramel frap and macchiato!), but this was just a pleasant surprise. I didn't get a chance to go inside, but I plan on ordering a drink from there before I head back to Jersey. Doesn't the sign look cool? I like it. C'mon! Fine, I'm reaching.



I know that a few Targets have a grocery section, but look at this one. The people look like they're ENJOYING the act of grocery shopping. They make it look so fun in here. I wanna grocery shop now.



Nature called. And good thing! The bathroom was an exhilerating experience. The urinals have an inviting quality about them. They make you WANT to pee on them. These urinals scream "Hello there. Come over my way, big boy. Pee on me, baby!" They were totally fighting to have my penis pee on them. Guess which one I peed on.



I, unlike some people, wash my hands after I go pee pee. And it sure was a treat on these guys. Obviously, they were of the motion sensor type. Loved it! However, I wish the soap dispenser had been motion sensor as well. Too bad. It would have made this restroom PERFECT.



So besides admiring this beautiful Target, I also managed to do a little shopping. The nerd in me went straight to the Blu-ray section. For those not in the know, Blu-ray is a high definition disc format that is attempting to be the successor to DVD, and it has exactly one competitor called HD DVD (I have the luxury of having both). Why did I go to the Blu-ray section? Because I wanted to get Lost Season 3 after I gave up on it last year. People have been telling me that the second half is pretty dope. But I also wanted to get Superbad even though I had seen it three times in the theater and rented the Blu-ray when it came out. I just wanted to own it. And I ended up getting Superbad instead of Lost (I'll just Netflix it). F'sho. Imma Netflix it f'sho.



Need glasses? This Target's got you covered. I've been to big Targets before with Starbucks, grocery sections, massage parlors (sike), but this was my first encounter with an Optical department. Speaking of glasses, I've been on a mission to find thick-framed glasses that fit my head. My head is massive. Mother tells me "You have to lose weight!" She's crazy. Like losing weight will somehow decrease the size of my skull. Will it? I doubt it. I gotta find a place that does custom-fit glasses. Or look into skull reduction surgery.



Check out this collection. This store had twice as many as the store I used to worked at and it's only slightly larger. Probably for all the old people here. There are so many old people. Oh, and these things were so fun to ride on when I was an employee. I mean they probably only had a topseed of 2 mph, but it feels pretty badass. Next time you go to a Target, just do your limp-walk. Take a ride on one of these puppies, and you'll know what I'm talkin' about.


And that's it. This Target was probably the best Target I've ever been to. Even the customer service was great. One of the T-shirts I bought didn't have a price tag, and I told the cashier "It was like 5 bucks or something." She totally fell for it! Haha, score! I must've saved like 10 bucks. Sweet. But I should've said it was a dollar. Dammit.

My ratings for this store (out of 10):

Design: 10.0
Department Diversity: 10.0
Restroom: 9.0 (Men's only)
Customer Service: 10.0
Disabilty Accomodations: 10.0
Blu-ray/HD DVD Selection: 8.0
Awesomeness: 9.5

Overall: 9.6 (not an average)

Best Target Ever.

A Collection of Thoughts During Christmas Mass

Genuflect? I haven't genuflected in years. Nah, not today. Genuflect is a cool word. How'd you remember that word? I dunno. Why am I talking to myself in my brain? I dunno. Me neeva. Did you just say "neeva"? Like a true diva!

Why is the AC on? Florida mornings are pretty damn cold!

That girl looks cute.

Nope, I guess I was wrong. "That's a man, baby!!" (in an Austin Powers voice)

Why do we have to kneel for so long? My knees hurt. This is why I don't go to church. If I went on a consistent basis, my knees would eventually give out.

Should I plant my ass on the seat? No. Must...continue...to...kneel! Can't look lazy. Arrghh.

What is this old man talking about? He's old. Haha, that alter boy just totally yawned and didn't even try to cover it up. He's a badass. A churchboy badass. I feel like yawning now.

My family holds hands now for the Our Father?! Hmm ... ahhh too late. If I try to hold hands mid-prayer, that's just wrong. Should I still go for it? Nah, forget it. Wait, what are the words again?

Communion. Should I? Should I not? Eh, what the heck? Let's roll. I'm a little hungry anyway.

That was totally illegal. But I want more. I'm starving now. It just melts in your mouth. Mmm.

Post-Communion kneeling. Thank goodness for peripheral vision. I can now see that the people behind me have sat back. Now it's time for me to sit back! Yes! Aaaa-lay-looo-yaahhh! Knees still intact.

It's like 70% old people in here. I guess this is their hangout spot. Haha, these oldies. Church must be like The Max for them.

Hmm. "Peace be with you" or "Peace"? Should I shake everyone in the row behind me? That's a lot of people.

Here we go! Oh crap, I should've gone left to right. Oops, I missed the little girl. Peace to you lil' lady.

Yes, it's done! Longest hour ever!

I should totally just genuflect my way out of here. Just genuflect all the way to the car.

But it got a 9.7 out of 10!

My brother used to be a big fan of Nintendo and of Mario. Now, he's all about Sega's Sonic. I rented "Sonic the Hedgehog" for the Playstation 3 because he really wanted to play it.

Me: Why are you playing this game? IGN.com gave it a 4.2 rating...out of 10.
Bro: Because it's fun, and Sonic's awesome.
Me: What if you had a Wii and Super Mario Galaxy?
Bro: I don't like Mario anymore. He's boring.
Me: Okay, but IGN.com gave Super Mario Galaxy a 9.7! Out of 10!
Bro: [yawn] Mario's boring now.
Me: Check out this video review of Super Mario Galaxy on youtube.
Bro: [yawn]
Me: 9.7 out of 10!
Bro: I wish I had an axe so I can destroy Nintendo and Mario.

Not much paraphrasing here. My brother really hates Nintendo and anything Mario-related. A few years ago, he was all about it. Bout it bout it.

I guess it's the kid in me that really wants him to want Mario. I want him to want to play Mario! Is that wrong?! Am I a fanboy? =X

While You Were Away

Okay, I know I just posted an entry about dogs. Probably because Coco's the best dog I've ever known.

But I have to comment on something that has happened while I've been away.

Granted, I've only been away for three days.

Now, I know things can get out of hand when hanging out at my apartment (aka Club 501). We've gotten noise complaints in the past. The first ever complaint happened not too long ago. My roommate, Lennard, was playing his recently purchased bass. Probably 15 decibels too loud. The tennant who lived above him knocked on our door and asked him to lower it. The next complaint happened when a few of us decided we'd have a beatmaking contest on GarageBand. This time, the complaint came from the people that lived above my room. They didn't personally come down and ask us to stop; instead, they called our superintendent to notify us. According to my roommate, he arrived in a drunken stupor. I got 2nd place in the beatmaking contest.

Our most recent complaint was last night. Actually, that's inaccurate. I can't really say "our" because I wasn't even there. But I guess the use of my chairs, my couch, and my TV might hold me somewhat accountable. Either way, the police showed up. THE POLICE!

I only wish I was there to have witnessed law enforcement at our front door. I would've probably been scared shih tzu-less.

I called a few of the people that were there during the incident, and they seemed to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal. And apparently, the cops told whoever was at Club 501 to flush something down the toilet. It was probably a figure of speech. I'm sure he meant that they should flush their loudness down the toilet.

Domestication

So I'll be in Florida until January 30th. Doing the whole Christmas with the family thang. The weather's pretty nice down here. Temperature in the mid-70's, and partly cloudy. My usual Christmas since 2004.

I hate dogs.

But there's one dog I get along with really well. It's my family's dog, Coco, a shih tzu. Every other dog I've encountered in my past (with very few exceptions) have either attacked me or have wanted to eat me. At least, that's what it seemed like. But Coco is pretty nice to me. There have been no attack attempts, and I'm certainlly too large for her to eat. That never stopped other dogs in the past, though.

My friend (let's call him Troy) has a pretty big dog (let's call him X) that's tried eating me every single time I visit. I ring Troy's doorbell and peek through the window. The dog is usually there, ready to attack, ready to cut open my flesh, and ready to devour me. It's quite possible he has other friends that are in on it. They could probably beast on me for days. Ugh.

Another reason I don't like dogs so much is because I'm allergic to dogs. I usually sneeze like an idiot. I hate sneezing. It's so dumb. Think about it. Sometimes, you can't even control a sneeze. Have you ever tried to stop one? It hurts. Trust me. And even worse than dogs ... are cats. I hate those more than dogs. I visited my cousin Mason last year and as soon as I got inside, I couldn't stop sneezing. He owns two cats. TWO! My eyes were swollen, my nose was runny. Cats are the worst animals ever created in the history of animal creation.

But Coco's cool with me. Apparently, shih tzu's are the only breed of dogs that I'm not allergic to. I actually like Coco. She's small, non-threatening, soft, friendly, and most importantly, she doesn't seem all that interested in inflicting pain upon me. "Good girl, Coco. You're a good girl!" That's usually what I say to her whenever she's being a good girl. And so far, she's been nothing but good to me.

For now. She could still strike at any moment ... without warning. Below is a picture of Coco I took with my iPhone.

Advantages of Being Fat

It wasn't that long ago when I was in decent shape. I mean, I never had a six-pack or anything, but my body was okay. In terms of The Ladies Department, I'm not sure if there really is any corollation between one's physical appearance and his/her ability to attract the opposite sex (or the same sex; whatever floats your boat around your moat).

Hold up. I take that back. It probably helps to be in good shape when attempting to attract a mate. For me, I'm currently out of commission. Not that I don't like females or anything; I just don't think that it's my time to have something like that. For now.

But even if I wanted to have the affection of a sweet lady, I highly doubt that my physique would help me. I have straight teeth, though. That's always key. But as for the rest of me ... as my mom would say "No way, Jose." I'm not quite sure if my mom ever really knew anyone named Jose, but she sure liked saying that phrase. Maybe she had a crush on someone named Jose when she was young. I shall investigate this during Christmas.

Anyway...So I guess, the inability to easily capture the attention of a woman would be one disadvantage of being massive. Among many. But we all know them. So there's no point in listing.

But are there advantages of being fat? Yes, sir!

I've been a fatty since, oh... I dunno, let's just say a couple of years. And I enjoy a couple of perks of being porky.

Porky Perks

Automatic Shotgun - I usually get shotgun in a car no matter what. It's a pretty good life. Whether I'm driving or not, I'm in the front row of any car. Unless I'm with people who don't know the Auto Shotgun Rule, aka The Fattest Gets Shotgun Rule. When that happens, the backseat can be a mess. And when I say mess, I'm talking about my leg on your leg and/or my arm around you.

Warmth - This is only an advantage during certain seasons, for obvious reasons (accidental rhyme, now that should be treason). The amount of blubber I have is greater than most of the people around me. Thus, I can withstand the cold weather. I'm basically a land whale. The other night, I walked to Whole Foods in a t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip-flops. The temperature was about 35 degrees and it was snowing. Land whale status. Know about it. Cuz I'm all about it.

Humor - I'm considered by a few people to be funny, that I have a good sense of humor. But I'm fat. So it's easy for me to joke about my weight. When I have no material at hand and I want to be funny, I usually crack about my largeness. It's a staple of my comedy, if you will. And no, I will not get my stomach stapled. But what if I lose weight? That could drastically change my perceived funny-ness. Would I be less funny as a thinner person? I like to make fun of myself. If I do lose weight, how would I be able to do that? "Hey, I'm in shape now. Yay." Nope, I should probably stay fat.

Eating Quickly - I'm built for speed, not quantity. I'm not Kobeyashi or anything (whose built for both); I can only probably eat 15 hotdogs in 12 minutes. But I can eat things really fast. Does it have anything to do with my weight? Maybe I'm stretching here, but perhaps it does. Below is a list of things I've attempted to eat as fast as possible, and with their respective times.

1. 6 White Castle cheeseburgers - 1 minute 1 second (I have footage)
2. 6 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 47 seconds (I've won several bets)
3. 10 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 1 minute 1 second (no witnesses)
4. Blazing Buffalo Challenge (no drink) - 1 minute 48 seconds
5. Corn beef omelette and fries - 1 minute 30 seconds
6. General Tso chicken & white rice - Less than 2 minutes

In the future, I will be attempting to eat the 10 Saltine crackers in under a minute without the aid of a beverage. This is because nobody believes I'm able to do this. The other night we had Saltine Crackers. I did 6 in 50 seconds. Everyone else was well past the 1 minute mark and they were only attempting like 3 or 4 Saltine crackers. Try it at home. I won a $50 bet in 2003 for eating 6 in under a minute. Apparently, only 1 in 10 people can do that. I've seen videos of 7 in under a minute. But I want to crush anyone out there and provide a video of me eating 10 Saltine crackers in under 1 minute.

But back to the advantages of being fat.

Oh wait, being fat sucks.

At Last

It was bound to happen. We knew that we wouldn't keep losing forever. Every single time, we kept thinking "We're gonna win!"

And it happened.

It finally happened.

The momentum kept going back and forth between the teams. Points were scored in a ravenous pace. I had no idea who was going to win.

But after the game ended with a tie score in regulation, I suddenly got that dreadful feeling that things weren't going to go our away again. Deep inside, I felt that the game was already lost. Every other overtime situation that we encountered before ended in disappointment.

But we remained focused.

Our defense stayed top notch. Our offense gave us several opportunities to blow the game wide open. But as hard as we played, so too did our opponents. They were unrelenting in their pursuit of perfection. They wanted to win.

They always wanted to win.

But last night, the planets aligned. Mercury, Venus, our own Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and depending on who you ask, Pluto.

Our solar system's planets in one straight line. For one sole purpose.

A victory. Our victory.

It wasn't the first time we overcame them. But it had felt like years, even decades since our last win over them. Realistically, it was probably last month.

Nonetheless, we won. We were champions.

For one night, we went to bed knowing that we defeated them. I don't know when we'll win again, but it doesn't matter.

As of this moment, we are winners. We are the victors. We are kings.

And that is why FIFA 08 is the best sports videogame I've played in years.

Final score: 4-3 in overtime. Via penalty shots.

w00t


Details:
Game - FIFA 08
System - Xbox 360
Teams - England (Mikey and Lennard) vs Spain (Me and KillaCal)

Wishful Dreaming

I had a dream about Santa the other night. I was at a gas station, and the attendant appeared to be Santa Clause.

Santa: Ho ho ho! How can I help you?
Me: Yeah, fill it up with regular please.
Santa: Ho ho ho! No problemo ho ho ho!
Me: Okay, I get it. You're dressed up as ... oh my God! You're Santa!
Santa: Ho ho ho! Yes I am!
Me: Haha, yeah right. I haven't believed in Santa Clause since I was 16.
Santa: You've been a bad boy this year, Jones Johnson.
Me: Whatchu talkin' about foo? I ain't that bad. Shieee.
Santa: Compared to others around you, you're quite the naughty one.
Me: Nigga, I swear! You got the wrong guy! Listen...
Santa: Your language is inexcusable.
Me: Your mom's inexcusable. No wait, your face is inexcusable. Sorry! Look dude... I admit I haven't been that great, but I'm trying! Isn't that worth something?
Santa: Well, I suppose so.
Me: So can I still tell you what I want for Christmas?
Santa: Hmm. Well, do you have anything in mind?
Me: Why, yes. Here's a list I printed out the other day.

I gave Santa the list, and then I decide it would be appropriate to sit on his lap and read my list outloud. Below is the list.


Jonesy's Christmas Wish List

1. A car from the future. Doesn't have to be a Benz or a BMW or anything. Actually, I want it to be a Ferrari. And I hope it flies! I hope it teleports. I hope its process of teleportation begins with flying!

2. Lifetime supply of Apple products. Because I'm one of those guys who thinks he's cool for owning Apple products. But really because Apple thinks it's cool for having guys like me that think they're cool for owning said products.

3. An exact replica of Brad Pitt's closet. Well, not the closet part, but the clothes in them because he looks awesome in clothes. I'm sure he has more than one closet, but you get the point. Oh, and obviously, the clothes would have to be in my size: XM for Extra Massive. And please include Angelina. Not the real life one, but the CGI one from Beowulf. Make sure she has all working parts (wink, wink). Yes, Santa, those winks mean that I want her to be able to eat and poop like a normal human, but be CGI. I wonder if CGI poop smells.

4. A cure for farting. But only give it to me, so that I am the only one in the world who lives a fart-free life. I call safety, by the way. See?!

5. A baby Tyrannosaurus rex. Have it so that it never grows up. I want one so badly! My want for one is the same way little girls want ponies, except I want my baby rex to kill small animals. Have you seen that Verizon commercial with the pony, by the way? Eww! Anyhoo, make sure that the T-rex will love me. If it's a boy, I'll name it Leroy. If it has a vagina, I'll name it Vagina. Please make sure it's a boy.

I woke up shortly after I farted on Santa's lap.

Prison Break: New Jersey

If you got arrested and were sent to jail, how would you decorate your cell?

Lights? Plants? Plants with lights on them? Drawings? Paintings? Paintings about drawings?

Personally, I'd put up posters of my favorite things.

1. A poster of my friend whose name rhymes with Gino - only because he's one of my favorite people of all time. And his name is cool.

2. A poster of AMC Theaters in Rockaway, New Jersey - because it's the best theater in Jersey! It has the same great stadium seating setup that the Jersey Gardens theater has, but without the horrible smell! Plus, the people are generally more quiet. The type of people that go to Jersey Gardens are ... well, ya know ... loud. Loud in a thug kind of way. Basically, it's where thugs go in order to escape their reality of thuglife and enjoy movies.

3. A poster of a Great White Shark - because it's my favorite shark ever. Ever. And people misunderstand these beautiful creatures. They're not out to eat you people! In fact, when they get close to you, they're probably just there out of curiosity. They say curiosity killed the cat. Well, I say the cat probably jumped into a shark's mouth and died.

But unfortunately, if I do go to jail, I won't be able to decorate my cell the way I want to.

Because of these dudes:

Apparently, they escaped Union County jail and hid the holes they made in the walls by using pinups of women in bikinis.

The result? Inmates were no longer allowed to pin up pictures from magazines on their walls.

Thanks a lot, Otis Blunt and Jose Espinosa! Thanks to you, if I ever go to jail, I'll never get to enjoy the three aforementioned posters. I'll be miserable, mostly because of you guys.

Now that I've said it out loud, Otis Blunt is a pretty cool name. I think I'd put up a poster of Otis Blunt as well.


If you're interested in reading the actual story, hit the link.

A Stern Warning

You know what's cool about people parking in your spot?

Nothing.

Last week, on a cold wintry-mixed day, I arrived at my apartment complex from work. I noticed that someone decided to park in my spot.

Wonderful.

In an act of pure rage, I decided to take a random sheet of paper that was in my car and write this idiot a note about how I truly felt.

I was so mad, so obviously I may have taken it a bit too far.

Here's a picture of the note before I planted it on his windshield:







Now he'll definitely think twice before parking in my spot!

I Am the Biggest Loser

I just finished working out. I'm in a competition with three other dudes to see who can lose the most weight in six weeks (a la The Biggest Loser). The losers (Smallest Losers?) will pay the winner, err, Loser, $30 each. So I have a shot at winning (losing?) $90!

Yes, I know I have a chance of winning $90 or losing $30. The "(losing?)" was consistent with the word play I had been exhibiting in my introduction, silly.

Anyhoo, this past Sunday was the big Week 1 Weigh In. Week 1's leader had lost a staggering 2.5 pounds.

I lost half a pound.

0.5 lbs.

1/2 of 16 ounces (which is 8 for those of you who without an abacus).

So obviously I was not in the lead.

To make matters worse, the other competitors were under the impression that the winner would be the person who lost the most amount of weight.

Noobs.

The winner would totally be the person who lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the competition! Am I right, people?!

Noob 1: So it's whoever loses the most weight right?
Noob 2: Yeah. I think that's right.
Me: Nooo. It's the person who loses the highest perctange of his weight.
Noob 3: That will totally suck for you dude.
Me: Yes, I know I'm the heaviest. It's fine.

I could've kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to play by the rules.

I'm a loser, you say?

Yes. The Biggest Loser, thank you very much.