Advantages of Being Fat

It wasn't that long ago when I was in decent shape. I mean, I never had a six-pack or anything, but my body was okay. In terms of The Ladies Department, I'm not sure if there really is any corollation between one's physical appearance and his/her ability to attract the opposite sex (or the same sex; whatever floats your boat around your moat).

Hold up. I take that back. It probably helps to be in good shape when attempting to attract a mate. For me, I'm currently out of commission. Not that I don't like females or anything; I just don't think that it's my time to have something like that. For now.

But even if I wanted to have the affection of a sweet lady, I highly doubt that my physique would help me. I have straight teeth, though. That's always key. But as for the rest of me ... as my mom would say "No way, Jose." I'm not quite sure if my mom ever really knew anyone named Jose, but she sure liked saying that phrase. Maybe she had a crush on someone named Jose when she was young. I shall investigate this during Christmas.

Anyway...So I guess, the inability to easily capture the attention of a woman would be one disadvantage of being massive. Among many. But we all know them. So there's no point in listing.

But are there advantages of being fat? Yes, sir!

I've been a fatty since, oh... I dunno, let's just say a couple of years. And I enjoy a couple of perks of being porky.

Porky Perks

Automatic Shotgun - I usually get shotgun in a car no matter what. It's a pretty good life. Whether I'm driving or not, I'm in the front row of any car. Unless I'm with people who don't know the Auto Shotgun Rule, aka The Fattest Gets Shotgun Rule. When that happens, the backseat can be a mess. And when I say mess, I'm talking about my leg on your leg and/or my arm around you.

Warmth - This is only an advantage during certain seasons, for obvious reasons (accidental rhyme, now that should be treason). The amount of blubber I have is greater than most of the people around me. Thus, I can withstand the cold weather. I'm basically a land whale. The other night, I walked to Whole Foods in a t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip-flops. The temperature was about 35 degrees and it was snowing. Land whale status. Know about it. Cuz I'm all about it.

Humor - I'm considered by a few people to be funny, that I have a good sense of humor. But I'm fat. So it's easy for me to joke about my weight. When I have no material at hand and I want to be funny, I usually crack about my largeness. It's a staple of my comedy, if you will. And no, I will not get my stomach stapled. But what if I lose weight? That could drastically change my perceived funny-ness. Would I be less funny as a thinner person? I like to make fun of myself. If I do lose weight, how would I be able to do that? "Hey, I'm in shape now. Yay." Nope, I should probably stay fat.

Eating Quickly - I'm built for speed, not quantity. I'm not Kobeyashi or anything (whose built for both); I can only probably eat 15 hotdogs in 12 minutes. But I can eat things really fast. Does it have anything to do with my weight? Maybe I'm stretching here, but perhaps it does. Below is a list of things I've attempted to eat as fast as possible, and with their respective times.

1. 6 White Castle cheeseburgers - 1 minute 1 second (I have footage)
2. 6 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 47 seconds (I've won several bets)
3. 10 Saltine Crackers (no drink) - 1 minute 1 second (no witnesses)
4. Blazing Buffalo Challenge (no drink) - 1 minute 48 seconds
5. Corn beef omelette and fries - 1 minute 30 seconds
6. General Tso chicken & white rice - Less than 2 minutes

In the future, I will be attempting to eat the 10 Saltine crackers in under a minute without the aid of a beverage. This is because nobody believes I'm able to do this. The other night we had Saltine Crackers. I did 6 in 50 seconds. Everyone else was well past the 1 minute mark and they were only attempting like 3 or 4 Saltine crackers. Try it at home. I won a $50 bet in 2003 for eating 6 in under a minute. Apparently, only 1 in 10 people can do that. I've seen videos of 7 in under a minute. But I want to crush anyone out there and provide a video of me eating 10 Saltine crackers in under 1 minute.

But back to the advantages of being fat.

Oh wait, being fat sucks.

At Last

It was bound to happen. We knew that we wouldn't keep losing forever. Every single time, we kept thinking "We're gonna win!"

And it happened.

It finally happened.

The momentum kept going back and forth between the teams. Points were scored in a ravenous pace. I had no idea who was going to win.

But after the game ended with a tie score in regulation, I suddenly got that dreadful feeling that things weren't going to go our away again. Deep inside, I felt that the game was already lost. Every other overtime situation that we encountered before ended in disappointment.

But we remained focused.

Our defense stayed top notch. Our offense gave us several opportunities to blow the game wide open. But as hard as we played, so too did our opponents. They were unrelenting in their pursuit of perfection. They wanted to win.

They always wanted to win.

But last night, the planets aligned. Mercury, Venus, our own Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and depending on who you ask, Pluto.

Our solar system's planets in one straight line. For one sole purpose.

A victory. Our victory.

It wasn't the first time we overcame them. But it had felt like years, even decades since our last win over them. Realistically, it was probably last month.

Nonetheless, we won. We were champions.

For one night, we went to bed knowing that we defeated them. I don't know when we'll win again, but it doesn't matter.

As of this moment, we are winners. We are the victors. We are kings.

And that is why FIFA 08 is the best sports videogame I've played in years.

Final score: 4-3 in overtime. Via penalty shots.

w00t


Details:
Game - FIFA 08
System - Xbox 360
Teams - England (Mikey and Lennard) vs Spain (Me and KillaCal)

Wishful Dreaming

I had a dream about Santa the other night. I was at a gas station, and the attendant appeared to be Santa Clause.

Santa: Ho ho ho! How can I help you?
Me: Yeah, fill it up with regular please.
Santa: Ho ho ho! No problemo ho ho ho!
Me: Okay, I get it. You're dressed up as ... oh my God! You're Santa!
Santa: Ho ho ho! Yes I am!
Me: Haha, yeah right. I haven't believed in Santa Clause since I was 16.
Santa: You've been a bad boy this year, Jones Johnson.
Me: Whatchu talkin' about foo? I ain't that bad. Shieee.
Santa: Compared to others around you, you're quite the naughty one.
Me: Nigga, I swear! You got the wrong guy! Listen...
Santa: Your language is inexcusable.
Me: Your mom's inexcusable. No wait, your face is inexcusable. Sorry! Look dude... I admit I haven't been that great, but I'm trying! Isn't that worth something?
Santa: Well, I suppose so.
Me: So can I still tell you what I want for Christmas?
Santa: Hmm. Well, do you have anything in mind?
Me: Why, yes. Here's a list I printed out the other day.

I gave Santa the list, and then I decide it would be appropriate to sit on his lap and read my list outloud. Below is the list.


Jonesy's Christmas Wish List

1. A car from the future. Doesn't have to be a Benz or a BMW or anything. Actually, I want it to be a Ferrari. And I hope it flies! I hope it teleports. I hope its process of teleportation begins with flying!

2. Lifetime supply of Apple products. Because I'm one of those guys who thinks he's cool for owning Apple products. But really because Apple thinks it's cool for having guys like me that think they're cool for owning said products.

3. An exact replica of Brad Pitt's closet. Well, not the closet part, but the clothes in them because he looks awesome in clothes. I'm sure he has more than one closet, but you get the point. Oh, and obviously, the clothes would have to be in my size: XM for Extra Massive. And please include Angelina. Not the real life one, but the CGI one from Beowulf. Make sure she has all working parts (wink, wink). Yes, Santa, those winks mean that I want her to be able to eat and poop like a normal human, but be CGI. I wonder if CGI poop smells.

4. A cure for farting. But only give it to me, so that I am the only one in the world who lives a fart-free life. I call safety, by the way. See?!

5. A baby Tyrannosaurus rex. Have it so that it never grows up. I want one so badly! My want for one is the same way little girls want ponies, except I want my baby rex to kill small animals. Have you seen that Verizon commercial with the pony, by the way? Eww! Anyhoo, make sure that the T-rex will love me. If it's a boy, I'll name it Leroy. If it has a vagina, I'll name it Vagina. Please make sure it's a boy.

I woke up shortly after I farted on Santa's lap.

Prison Break: New Jersey

If you got arrested and were sent to jail, how would you decorate your cell?

Lights? Plants? Plants with lights on them? Drawings? Paintings? Paintings about drawings?

Personally, I'd put up posters of my favorite things.

1. A poster of my friend whose name rhymes with Gino - only because he's one of my favorite people of all time. And his name is cool.

2. A poster of AMC Theaters in Rockaway, New Jersey - because it's the best theater in Jersey! It has the same great stadium seating setup that the Jersey Gardens theater has, but without the horrible smell! Plus, the people are generally more quiet. The type of people that go to Jersey Gardens are ... well, ya know ... loud. Loud in a thug kind of way. Basically, it's where thugs go in order to escape their reality of thuglife and enjoy movies.

3. A poster of a Great White Shark - because it's my favorite shark ever. Ever. And people misunderstand these beautiful creatures. They're not out to eat you people! In fact, when they get close to you, they're probably just there out of curiosity. They say curiosity killed the cat. Well, I say the cat probably jumped into a shark's mouth and died.

But unfortunately, if I do go to jail, I won't be able to decorate my cell the way I want to.

Because of these dudes:

Apparently, they escaped Union County jail and hid the holes they made in the walls by using pinups of women in bikinis.

The result? Inmates were no longer allowed to pin up pictures from magazines on their walls.

Thanks a lot, Otis Blunt and Jose Espinosa! Thanks to you, if I ever go to jail, I'll never get to enjoy the three aforementioned posters. I'll be miserable, mostly because of you guys.

Now that I've said it out loud, Otis Blunt is a pretty cool name. I think I'd put up a poster of Otis Blunt as well.


If you're interested in reading the actual story, hit the link.

A Stern Warning

You know what's cool about people parking in your spot?

Nothing.

Last week, on a cold wintry-mixed day, I arrived at my apartment complex from work. I noticed that someone decided to park in my spot.

Wonderful.

In an act of pure rage, I decided to take a random sheet of paper that was in my car and write this idiot a note about how I truly felt.

I was so mad, so obviously I may have taken it a bit too far.

Here's a picture of the note before I planted it on his windshield:







Now he'll definitely think twice before parking in my spot!