Black History Month

It's Black History Month. So I changed the look of my blog to commemorate and whatnot.

Word.

I think there's a game on Sunday

Giants vs. Patriots.

Blah blah blah.

At this point, I'm sure we all know what's going on with the Superbowl. All the media coverage has everybody talking like he/she is one of ESPN's 3,000 NFL analysts or something. Seriously though, they have too many analysts for the NFL, but they have one guy covering hockey. There should be no hockey coverage at all. Sorry to every hockey fan I know. All two of you.

Anyway, there are plenty of questions heading into this Sunday's game. Will the Pats go undefeated? Will the Giants upset them? Will Plaxico's prediction come true? Will I finally trim my pubes?

My answer to Plaxico is: highly unlikely, dumbass. All I hope for is a great game, awesome commercials, and food. I'm not sure where I'll be watching it, but I have a feeling that there'll be an Unofficial Superbowl Party @ Club 501 (yes, I live at an actual club).

To my readers who are also my friends: If you want to come, bring something. Chips, dip, drinks, real food, cuffs, cups, plates, girls, chairs, hookah, etc.

I also want to announce that I've had a great hair week. How did I come up with that conclusion? Well, I had 2 awesome hair days, and 2 good ones. Today is a pretty good hair day as well. Thus, they all add up to a great hair week.

Oh wait, sorry. Back to the topic. Yeah, below is my prediction. I've studied all the tapes, looked at the numbers, read all the reports, ran hundreds of simulations; I know what I'm talkin' about, baby.

Giants beat Patriots 35-32

Okay fine. That's what I want to happen. I'm sorry if I just want to see an insane upset. I want to witness the Pats cry because the 18 previous games mean nothing unless they win the 19th. I want to see a New York parade so that it messes up Super Tuesday (I accidentally watched The Today Show). I want to see back-to-back Superbowl wins from the Manning brothers. I want Gisele Bundchen.

Here's my actual prediction:

Patriots beat Giants something-something

Edit: Speaking of ESPN NFL analysts, I just found this on Digg. It's a video of Chris Berman flipping out and going nuts on his studio crew. Awesome. I forgot to actually digg it, so someone digg it for me. Thanks.



Clarification: One of our angry readers by the name of mur has left a comment stating that 32 points is an impossibility. I would like to take this opportunity to concede that the 35-32 prediction was a prediction made by a guest on Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio. I simply copied it. I apologize for taking credit for it.

Also, 32 points is NOT impossible:

4 TD's + 2 safeties = 32
4 TD's + 2 point conversion + 1 field goal = 32

I'll stick to the 35-32 prediction, Mr. Gleezy - oops, I meant mur.

Jonesin' for some birthday cake

Today is Coy's 26th and Eric's 25th birthday. I think. As a Facebook addict, I've grown accustomed to birthday notifications. However, neither one of these guys has a Facebook account. So I have been forced to use this thing called memory, and if it's serving me correctly today, then it's their birthday.

Usually, when Facebook tells me it's someone's birthday, I write different variations of "happy birthday" on his/her wall. I try to make it completely different everytime, but I end up recycling a lot.

Here are a few of the birthday greetings I've used in the past:

Congratulations on the anniversary of your birth!

Nice birth.

Yay birthday! Yay!

Birth boy ova heeh.

And my personal favorite (a variation of the first one):

Congrulations on the anniversary of you coming out of your mother's vagina (or vajayjay)!

So I'd like to wish Eric and Coy a sweet birthday today. May all your wishes and dreams come true. And maybe I can help you with those. *winky wink*

I'm too broke to give you guys anything, so here's some effin' cake brought to you by my main man Chuck.


Hmm, I just realized that the last one may not work. Not all of us came out of our mother's vaginas. Some of us needed the jaws of life to be escorted out of the womb. I'm not one of them, just in case you were interested. Nope, came right out my mom's vajohnson.

Edit: Maybe I like this cake better. And no, I don't know why I just wasted my time looking for pictures of birthday cakes. But due to my nerdboy status, here ya go.

I'm so Lost right now

(just skip to the bottom for my new song if you'd like)

Lost season 1 was awesome.

Lost season 2 was pretty good.

Lost season 3 (first half) was way too focused on Jack, Sawyer, and Kate.

So I gave up. The episodes piled up in my DVR until I deleted all of them last spring.

As I've mentioned a few times, people keep telling me that season 3 got better.


Thus, I have queued Lost season 3 on Blu-ray Disc on my Netflix. I still have to return my Weeds season 1&2 on Blu-ray. Can't believe I've had those discs since November. I kept losing them, then finding them, and then losing them again. Good thing there are no late fees.

Anyway, tomorrow is the premiere of season 4. I'll have to DVR the series, but I can't watch until I'm done with season 3. I've been told that the episode will have plenty of answers. Answers to what? I don't have the slightest idea what happened in season 3.

So I beg you all ... please don't ruin anything for me. I may not be done with season 3 until March.

Again, do not spoil Lost for me. Or else ... or else, yaknow, the song below:

Don't Spoil Lost or Else ...
Written by Jones Johnson

I might get animalistic with my animal instincts
I'll be mad malicious and maybe cannibalistic
They won't find ballistics, but they'll ask "who the eff did this"
I won't be linked bitch, and you'll be another statistic

Hiyooooo

Coke is one hell of a drink

I've decided to quit drinking soda, Coke in particular since I'm not big on Pepsi. Why? Here's a top 5 for ya.

Top 5 Reasons to Quit Drinking Coke


5. It's dangerous.




4. It makes me burpy. Burpy burpy burp.




3. It yellowens my teeth.




2. It stings the nostrils (when I drink it too fast).




1. It can stain your clothes.


That last one is the number one main reason why I'm going to stop drinking Coke. I was in my car, having a post-work Coke during my drive. It was your typical plastic bottle variety. I waited for a red light.

Boom. Red light action.

I grabbed the bottle with my right hand, and twisted the cap off with my left.

Awesome. I placed the opening on my sweet luscious lips.

Mmm.

Yum.

Sexy coke. You is a sexy beast.

Just a sip for now. I attempted to put the cap back on, and that's when I fumbled.




Lovely. Effing awesome. I sat there like an idiot with my hands in the air like I had just touched an alien's butt crack.

Moments later, I felt my balls getting slightly drenched with Coke. Perfecto. Just what I needed.

That's exactly why I'll only drink water for my drives. No stains, no problems. If I had been drinking water, I could've just ended up looking like I had crotch sweat or something, but whatever.

Heh. I like that. Crotch sweat.

Anyways, here are a few more pictures of this horrific accident.





Damn you Coke! Damn you!

Review My Johnson

I've experienced a few things over the weekend, and I shall now review them.

// DVD & Blu-ray Reviews

Rocket Science - This was a pretty good movie. I think I laughed at parts that weren't supposed to be funny. I know Evan did. Anyway, it's a story about a boy who has a huge stuttering problem and he's recruited by a masterful debater to join her in her quest to dominate debates. It's an indie movie - there's some weird parts to it, a bunch of funny scenes, and there are some life lessons in here. I think. It's debatable.
4 out of 5 Johnsons


Rescue Dawn - I finally bought a Blu-ray. After maybe three or four weeks of indecisiveness, I finally bought one. And this one is damn good. The events in the movie are based on a true story. Christian Bale plays a prisoner of war in Laos. He teams up with Steve Zahn - who has a surprisingly great performance - and the rest of the POWs on a mission to escape. The movie has quite a depressing tone, but there are sequences of action here for fans of action sequences. The most amazing part is how Christian Bale appeared to be 100 pounds by the end of the movie (his normal weight is 180; he actually dropped to 130 for The Machinist, and muscled up to 220 for Batman Begins). He really does go all out for his roles. I think he's currently my favorite dramatic actor. Kudos to Bale.
4 out of 5 Johnsons


Eagle vs Shark - This could quite possibly be the weirdest movie I have ever seen. It stars Jemaine Clement from the band and the show Flight of the Conchords, and Loren Horsley. Again, this is another indie film. I can't even begin to describe the plot and the absurdity of some of the scenes. You have to see it to understand the ridiculousness of the movie. I, for one, am a fan of over-the-top weirdness, strange awkward moments/situations, and a strong ensemble cast. This movie had all of them. It's obvious my rating system is flawed because this movie gets the full Johnson treatment.
5 out of 5 Johnsons


// Video Game Reviews


Everyday Shooter (PS3) - For $10, this game is a steal! I downloaded it a few months ago, but I was so confused by the gameplay at first, that I gave up. This past weekend, my friends and I were bored so we decided to play it. Good thing we were bored! If you own a PlayStation 3, you have to buy this game! Jonathan Mak created this wonderful shooter and all I can say is that it is highly addictive. Each level is one song that lasts for about 4 minutes, and each level has its own style of play with different ways to make chain reactions (which is how you gain points). There are a total of 8 levels/songs, but you can unlock many other "mods" to increase the replay value of this game. The controls are pretty good, the music is fantastic, and the accompanying visual treats are outstanding. You can purchase it from Sony's PlayStation Store if you own a PlayStation 3.
5 out of 5 Johnsons


// Television Reviews


Californication - My friend iCal suggested that I check out this Showtime original series. I've watched half of Season One's dozen episodes so far, and I must say that this is a great show. David Duchovny (why won't you looove me) recently won the Golden Globe for Lead Actor in a Comedy Series for his role as Hank Moody. Hank is a writer who hasn't written anything in five years. He lives in L.A. where he is an unmarried single father who's still in love with his daughter's mother. He's also "drowning in pointless pussy." Got it? Good. I'll finish the rest of the show some time this week or the next, and I'll let you know how I truly feel about it. But halfway through, I really like it. In fact, I love it. I'm just not sure if I'm in love with it, but only time will tell. Check out the trailer above.
So far: 4.5 out of 5 Johnsons


// Miscellaneous Reviews


My Passport - One of my friends is lucky, or unlucky depending on how you look at it, to be under the age of 21. I looked at my passport and I realized that if he spiked his hair and wore glasses, he could pass for my passport. And on Friday night, he did! I also had to let him borrow an old dress shirt, a favorite nonetheless, and a pair of shoes. It was almost like cloning a younger version of myself. That night, iCal was Jones Johnson circa 2002. Fantastic! He played the part of JJ accurately: he did not talk to any ladies. Just lik me! Yay!
7.5 out of 5 Johnsons

My Hero